i forgot i had a degenerative, incurable brain disease

After Maple was born, I felt like a real rock star. Giving birth at home was so empowering, that I wasn't at all prepared for what came next.

When she was about three weeks old, I woke up one morning feeling a little funny. I guess it was more that I sounded a little strange, like I'd been up all night drinking. I thought it might be some mild MS symptoms, but I'd just had a baby at home with no drugs! What was a little degenerative incurable brain disease going to do to me?

Let me just say now that I am incredibly naive, and have spent the last nearly two years of my life in complete denial about having multiple sclerosis. I knew that the postpartum period had a greater risk of MS "episodes," so you might think I would have expected something. But when I woke up slurring slightly, I figured it would go away in a few hours.

A few days later, we were getting ready to leave for our trip to Utah, and things were getting worse. I was losing control of my right hand, and my speech had progressed from "mildly buzzed" to "puking in a bar parking lot." Still, I was not to be deterred from vacation! Against Sean's better judgement, we left nearly a week after the attack began. I didn't try to get treatment (which consists of a high dosage of steroids), because I figured I would have to stop breastfeeding, and I couldn't handle that. Apparently, a quick descent into vegetability would be better for my daughter than formula.

To make a long story short, the attack didn't get better, it got worse. When we returned home three weeks later, I was barely able to care for myself, let alone Maple. Sean was doing everything for all of us, except for breastfeeding, which was the one thing I could still do. I could barely eat, talk, chew, swallow, think, or hold Maple to my boob, but damn if the milk didn't flow.

When we got back from our trip, we went to two different emergency rooms and saw countless incompetent physicians before I was prescribed the steroids. After all of that, I was still devastated about giving Maple formula, but I gave in. And I am feeling much better. I have no idea if I'll make a full recovery, and I am really mad at myself for waiting so long to get help. But I can type again (slowly), and although I still sound drunk sometimes, I can see some improvement every day.

You may wonder why I'm writing all this down -- it probably seems a little depressing. But it's important that I don't just forget (again) about the degenerative, incurable brain disease that I have. I no longer think I can ignore or deny or outsmart my way out of having multiple sclerosis. And now I have a family to think about, and I have to stay as healthy as I can for them. I look at Maple and I imagine her with a Mama who can't speak or think straight, and it scares the shit out of me. So I am going to take good care of myself, stop being so stubborn, and take whatever drugs will help me. I may not get to be cured, but I hope to be well.